Trying to be a punny pundit

As I've said before, I'm usually apathetic about American politics. But when even BET is showing election coverage instead of music videos, I know it's time for me to take more of an interest. So I've been watching the Democratic National Convention for the past few nights, and as is typical for me, have some seriously asinine and shallow observations. Such as:

I have a crush on Michelle Obama. Unfortunately, like Bianca from cycle 9 of America's Next Top Model, her face can sometimes look mean when she's not smiling. But unlike Bianca from cycle 9 of America's Next Top Model, she doesn't get into catfights in airport lounges with that chick from Hairspray. As far as I know. Back to Michelle: she's a knockout, but her face naturally goes into a frown, which takes away from whatever fabulous outfit she happens to be wearing. Don't be angry, Michelle. You're gorgeous!

I'm sick of all the monochromatic blue and red ties. We get it: you're a proud American. You wouldn't be less American if you wore something yellow, striped or Spock-themed.

Joe Biden's smile freaks me out. I think he caps his teeth because they're so white and straight. And he looks freakishly tanned for a senator from Delaware. I wonder if he uses Jergen's Natural Glow moisturizer / self tanner?