Goin' a Greyhoundin'

I’ve decided to start sharing my vast amounts of knowledge and wisdom with you, my faithful readers. Now there are only a few things that I do really well, like throwing grapes up in the air and catching them in my mouth, saving money and hoarding seats on the Greyhound. So here is a how-to guide for getting yourself a pair of seats next time you go on the bus.

I feel like I should preface this by saying that it may only work in Canada, where people are so polite that they’d almost rather stand up than disturb you. And although I don’t condone hoarding seats usually (okay, I do because I’m selfish) there are sometimes extenuating circumstances that call for drastic measures. Such as, the bus from Kitchener to Toronto, which I usually take when I can’t bum a ride off a friend, attracts such a group of freaks that I feel like my health in danger just by sitting next to them. There was the time that I sat beside a guy who spent the entire ride “mining for nose gold” and then scrutinizing each find with infinite attention. And then there was the time that I sat next to a guy reading the latest issue of Playboy, who kept on jostling next to me when the bus “swerved”. Ick. But who am I kidding? Even if everyone was completely normal I’d still like to have the row to myself because I’m anti-social and like to have my own space. And if you do too, then read on:

First off, try to be one of the first to get on the bus because then you have your pick of where to sit. Never sit in the front because as the bus fills up, people sit down in the first available seat that they see. Also, don’t sit way at the back because when people walk all the way down the aisle and don’t find anything easily accessible, they rarely turn around and instead will sit beside you, even if it’s obvious that you’d rather be alone. (How rude!) So sit in the middle-back section of the bus and you should be fine.

Also, don’t sit in the window seat because then you’re just asking to have someone come by and sit next to you. The trick is to sit in the aisle and put your bag on the window seat. NEVER look up because if you make eye-contact with someone looking for a seat, then chances are that you’ll be spending the next few hours beside them. I usually put in my earphones and listen to music while the bus is still loading up. That way, even if they do ask me to move over so they can sit, I don’t have to acknowledge them! If the situation is desperate, you may have to pretend that you’re asleep because very few people would wake someone up just to get a seat. Other suggestions include pretending like you’re sick and coughing (particularly effective during the whole SARS crisis) or just grab a Kleenex, hunch over and pretend like you’re crying. Most Canadians get uncomfortable with overt shows of emotion so you’ll probably be left alone. These techniques have almost always worked for me, so give them a shot. Just not on a bus that I’m on, because when I see someone actively hoarding the seat beside them, I sit there anyway just to spite them. It may be rude to sit next to someone who would rather be alone, but it is even ruder to try to get both seats for yourself.