Self-hating Jew?

These past few months in Israel has been a time of great personal development for me. I've learned so much about different ways of life: Christianity, Islam, atheism, Buddhism and so on. And yet, my time in the Jewish state has made me feel even more alienated from my own religion and culture. Have a become a self-hating Jew?

I love the words of Woody Allen when he said "No, I'm not a self-hating Jew. Sure, I hate myself, but that has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish!" And I feel like I should preface this blog entry by saying that I really do love and admire Jews, and although I have some issues with different groups, I still am proud of my heritage. I wear my big nose with pride.

And to be fair, my alienation started before I came to Israel. For some time, I'd been feeling resentful and judgmental of the ultra-Orthodox who live in my neighbourhood in Toronto. Since many do not consider the non-observant to be Jews at all, they do not really respond to people like me. If I would say "shabbat shalom" to my neighbours, they would just keep on walking without acknowledging the greeting. And I had an incident with a rabbi who comes to my university to do outreach which upset me even further. He asked about a friend who hadn't been coming to the Jewish student group events lately. When I told him that the reason why she wasn't coming is because her mother was very sick with terminal cancer, instead of expressing his condolences, or at all reacting with emotion like a normal human being would have done, he replied "Oh, okay, I thought that she just got sick of the student events". Absolutely disgusting. And as I discovered here in my time in Israel, people like him are not the exception. It's not an issue of a few rotten apples. It's way too many of them who act like that.

Israel is a small country, but there are many different types of people living here and there is so much conflict. Not just between the Israelis and Palestinians, but also between the Muslim and Christian Palestinians, Mizrachi and Ashkenazi Jews, Ethiopians and Israelis, Russians and Israelis, and so on. But one of the most virulent is the conflict between the religious and non-religious Jews.

I am reading a book right now called Jew vs Jew that addresses this problem. It's written by an American professor called Samuel Freedman, and in the prologue he discusses a Conservative group that has tried to hold services in front of the Kotel (Western Wall) for the past three years. Each year, the ultra-Orthodox have reacted violently. They've hurled soiled diapers, bottles, bags of chocolate milk and whatever else they could get their hands on at the Conservative Jews who were praying. These are not isolated incidents. A group of Reform women tried to lead a service near the Kotel and Yeshiva students threw excrement at them. And of course there is Mea Shearim, a whole area of Jerusalem where you have to be modestly dressed otherwise you may have stones or eggs thrown at you. I think that I would be more accepting if these were only performed by over-zealous young Yeshiva students, but unfortunately, the older ultra-Orthodox not only condone such behaviour, but often participate in it themselves.

The ultra-Orthodox receive heavy handouts from the Israeli government so that they can study instead of working, and to support the million children that they have. Plus, they do not serve in the army. In another book that I just finished reading called The Israelis the author quotes an informal survey of Israeli prostitutes who estimate that at least 1/3 of their clients are ultra-Orthodox men. However, what really angers me is not how they take instead of give, but how they so fragrantly disobey the spirit of Judaism and concentrate only on the minute laws of observance. What happened to "veahavta leraecha kamocha"? Why do they feel like they can treat other people, even other Jews, in such a manner? Wouldn't it be more important to be nice rather than ensure that they are not tearing toilet paper on Shabbat? I just cannot understand their type of observance. It is a disgrace.

I don't mean to be generalizing. There are some absolutely wonderful ultra-Orthodox people who I am thrilled to know, and most of them aren't even trying to "convert" me. My friend and former camp counselour Rivky is one such person, and I am bowled over time and again by her kindness and spirituality. I am grateful that she is in my life. However, there are too many people that put more importance of observing every single possible halakha than acting like a decent human being.

Thus my conflict. I would like to get back to becoming more observant. In recent years, I have started to not observe Shabbat and only go to synagogue on important holidays. And as nice as it is to go out on Friday night, I do miss the ritual. I would like to become slightly more observant. Not ultra-Orthodox, of course, but somewhere in between Conservative and Modern Orthodox. However, how can I do that when all I feel is disgust and hate of the "true followers" of my religion? Can I get over being a "self-hating Jew"? Can I learn to just appreciate the beauty of Judaism instead of focusing on the ugliness of certain Jews? Only G-d knows.