The Wandering Jew

Since everyone is screwing up the "sexiest man in the world" question on the quiz down below, I have to clear things up a little. Yes, Patrick Stewart is definitely right up at the top list, but so are Mel Brooks and Sting. In fact, Sting and I have a secret connection...

Two summers ago, I was working at a lab in Sick Kids during the day and moonlighting as a security guard at rock concerts. (I was sort of like Superman, but a little less cool) One night, Sting was performing at the Air Canada Centre and although I was dying to go myself, I couldn't afford the $100 tickets. So instead, I worked the show.

In security, the big, bald scary looking guys go in front of the stage because even if they are pussy-cats on the inside, no one is brave enough to find out. And people like me (weakling girls) go in places where the ability to intimidate is less important. Most are placed by the front entrances and check that the people coming into the concert are not sneaking in guns, alcohol or cameras. Yes, that sometimes involves frisking. Ugh. I did that a few times and have never been more sexually harassed in my entire life. Ugh.

Anyway, luckily, one of the supervisors, Rennie, took a liking to me and I became part of the backstage staff. It was awesome! I got to meet all the famous celebrities, like Russell Crowe (ass), Oasis (ass), Pink (doesn’t wipe her ass) and Santana (amazingly sweet—hint, hint). It got to the point where I didn’t even really care when I’d see famous people. I was so used to them. But then, I saw Sting. First off, I love Sting, and although I wish I could seem “cool” and say that I prefer him in his Police days, I love the soft rock/jazzy solo stuff also. I love him despite his political activist-ness and the rumors that he doesn’t shower very often and his complete inability act in movies where his character is anything other than a wooden board. I just love him. Period.

So I was working at the concert and it was about 6:30, an hour before the show started. I was disappointed because I really wanted to be near the front of the stage so I could watch the show, and only slightly placated when Rennie told me that he’d let me go and watch a few songs. I was just stuck somewhere in one of the many backstage tunnels at the ACC.

Anyway, I was talking to one of the roadies and we were laughing about something, and I suddenly turned my head…and met a warm pair of eyes that I knew so well. Yes, Sting was looking at me!! He had just come out of his tour-van and was walking with his band to the dressing rooms. Our eyes met and he gave me a small smile. I just melted. Some people might just interpret that as a friendly gesture but I knew that he was pledging his undying love to me. How do I know? Because we have a secret connection, damn it. Then he continued walking and I resisted the urge to run after him. I eventually regained consciousness and was able to enjoy the rest of the concert. The songs that I saw (especially “Roxanne”!) were awesome live. Next time he comes to town I am definitely buying tickets. When the show was over, I was allowed to leave, so I went to find my friend who was going to be giving me a ride home. She was stationed near the dressing rooms (lucky bitch) and we started chatting. Just then, I turned my head again, and again my eyes met Sting’s eyes! And again, he smiled. And again, I melted. It was awesome. We never said anything, but I know how he feels about me. Because we have a secret connection. So to sum up, Patrick Stewart is great and all, but Sting and I have a deep relationship. Another time, I’ll write about why I love Mel Brooks, but I think that this post is long and gushing enough. So, my little cherubs, now you know more about me!